I Taught My Husband Reflective Listening and Immediately Regretted It
I taught my husband reflective listening techniques. Now I deeply regret it.
Last week, I was banging my head against the wall trying to figure out the topic for this month’s newsletter. Frustrated, I said, “I’m stuck. Nothing feels right.” He looked at me, nodded, and said: “I hear you’re feeling stuck and nothing feels right.”
…Great. Thanks for that groundbreaking insight.
All joking aside, I’ve spent the last few months teaching Leading with Empathy workshops for restaurant leaders (including my husband). It’s been just as much a learning experience for me as for them. The focus? Technically, it’s about empathy, but practically, it’s about listening. Not just nodding along and waiting for your turn to talk, but really listening.
I teach the skill of reflective listening, and then we practice it in groups. This means reflecting back what we hear, labeling emotions, and course-correcting when we’ve gone awry (“No, I’m not frustrated; I’m angry!”). One thing I’ve learned in my work is that listening is the clearest way to show someone you don’t just hear them; rather, you are actively trying to understand them. It seemed obvious. Turns out, not so much.
Stop Solving, Start Listening
While building out my workshop, I asked a friend to sit and give me feedback. She’s the Director of People Operations at a restaurant group. Naturally empathetic. A good listener. And obviously, endlessly patient as she made it through the entire presentation, practice exercises included.
When we got to the skills-building part, I gave her a sample scenario to practice her reflection: “I feel like I’m drowning in deadlines. No matter how hard I work, something always slips through the cracks.”
She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Have you tried delegating?”
I laughed.
“We just spent 45 minutes learning how to listen,” I said. “Reflective listening. Labeling the emotions, paraphrasing what you heard…?”
She shrugged. “I’m a problem solver.”
In retrospect, I should have expected this. Especially in hospitality, where solving problems is practically the job description, and everything’s an emergency. You listen just long enough to diagnose, then you jump in with solutions.
But what if people aren’t always looking for a solution? What if they just need to be heard? Or if they ARE looking for help solving a problem, what if you’re solving the wrong problem?
Are You Solving the Right Problem?
The only person who knows the real problem is the person living it. Listening gets you closer to understanding, but then you need to take it further and ask open-ended questions.
In one of our workshops, that same HR Director shared a story that drove this point home. There was an employee who kept coming to work with a stained apron. The manager asked if they had a washing machine and shared the location of the nearest dry cleaner. Nothing changed.
Then she asked a different question: “This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”
The real story? The apron was permanently stained. They couldn’t afford a new one.
The solution was to figure out an exception to the uniform policy or a creative payment plan and get them a new apron.
This is an example of what my mediation trainer, Chris Daly at the New York Peace Institute, calls “the two-step:” reflective listening followed up by an open-ended question.
What Are Open-Ended Questions?
Open-ended questions are conversation starters. They can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” They invite the other person to share more context, thoughts, and feelings. When you ask open-ended questions, you’re saying, “I’m here to understand, not just to respond.”
Here are some examples that get people talking:
“How did you feel about that?”
“How was this different from what you expected?”
“How did that situation impact you?”
“Can you walk me through what happened?”
“What would a good outcome look like for you?”
4 Reflective Listening Techniques
One simple but powerful technique to help you become a better listener is called reflection. It’s exactly what it sounds like: you reflect back what someone has said.
Here’s what we practice in Leading with Empathy. These aren’t scripts, they’re tools you can use right now.
PARROT TECHNIQUE
Repeat back what you heard exactly, including tone and phrasing.
When to use it: Emotions are high, or language is loaded.
Example: “You said you’re totally over it.”
Why it works: Slows things down, offers a chance for clarification.
HINT: This one feels weird, but it’s the easiest one, and I promise it works!
PARAPHRASE
Restate what you heard in your own words, without changing the meaning.
When to use it: Someone’s sharing a lot, and you want to show understanding.
Example: “So what I’m hearing is that you felt left out of the decision.”
Why it works: Offers clarity and gives the speaker language they might not have found themselves.
REFRAME
Translate what you heard into values, needs, or interests.
When to use it: There’s tension, and you want to shift focus.
Example: “It sounds like fairness is really important to you.”
Why it works: Can validate deeper meaning and reduce defensiveness.
AFFECT LABEL
Name the emotion you hear, even if it hasn’t been explicitly said.
When to use it: Someone’s emotional but not naming it.
Example: “You are frustrated!”
Why it works: It helps the person feel seen and can lower emotional intensity.
The Payoff: Real Solutions to Real Problems
When you listen first, you stop wasting time fixing symptoms or fixing things people don't want fixed. Sometimes, the solution is just being heard. It gets to the root and builds trust.
It’s what we teach in Leading with Empathy: stop assuming, start listening.
As for my husband, I taught him the “two-step” method, and he followed up “It sounds like you are really frustrated” with “Do I really need to keep doing this?” (neither open-ended nor helpful, but on brand and an A for effort).
Do you have a friend, partner or co-worker who you wish would listen more and offer fewer solutions? Feel free to send them “It’s Not About the Nail” , my favorite absurdly obvious demonstration of what it looks like when someone just wants you to listen. Better yet, send them to me for a Leading with Empathy workshop.
