Are We Talking About the Same Thing? (Love Island Edition)
My 17-year-old nephew came to stay with us for a month this summer. In addition to all the joy he brought to our home, he also brought Love Island USA, Season 7.
And somewhere between a dramatic poolside recoupling and a montage of half-hearted pushups, I got hooked. Less on the romance, more on the emotional trainwrecks people kept calling “conversations.”
Fast forward to Episode 24, the “Heart Rate Challenge,” and the moment I realized: these people could use a conflict coach.
Here’s how it plays out:
When it’s Huda’s turn, she gives extra attention to Ace, who happens to be Chelley’s man. She doesn’t hold back: full-contact, lap dance, twerking - the works. Cut to Chelley, obviously fuming in purple patent leather and bunny ears.
Later, sensing she did something wrong, Huda pulls Chelley for a chat and a version of the following happens:
Chelley (Track A): “I just felt really disrespected. You were flirting with Ace and didn’t consider how that would make me feel.”
Huda (Track B, instantly): “You’re such a hypocrite - you literally told me last week, ‘Relax, it’s just a challenge.’ Why is it different now when I do it?
And just like that, two different conversations.
What started as Chelley expressing to a “friend” that she is hurt is met with Huda shifting focus to Chelley’s perceived hypocrisy. A classic switchtrack moment: the emotional impact gets buried by return finger-pointing.
BOTH these things can be true: Huda may have crossed a line, and Chelley might be a little hypocritical. But they’re never going to get to the bottom of either if they’re talking at each other about both.
This is a pop culture example of something that happens all the time in the workplace. Not the making out, but the part where two people walk into a conversation with an idea of what they are going to discuss, and walk out more frustrated, misunderstood, and tangled than before.
What is Switchtracking
The term switchtracking comes from authors Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in their book Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well. Once you know what it is, you’ll start to notice it often.
Switchtracking happens when one person gives feedback about one thing, and the other person (often unconsciously) responds with feedback about something else. It's when a conversation that starts on one track suddenly jumps to another. Like a train switching tracks at a junction, the shift can be subtle and totally derail the original conversation.
Take this example from Stone & Heen:
Person A: “You need to be on time.”
Person B: “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
Two conversations: one about punctuality, the other about tone and respect. Both are valid, but things go sideways when you try to handle them together. As Stone & Heen put it, it’s like mixing your apple pie and your lasagna into one pan and baking it together. It’s going to come out a mess.
Most of us don’t do it on purpose. We’re not trying to dodge the issue - we’re just reacting. A comment hits a nerve, and without realizing it, we jump tracks.
Seeing the Pattern = Shifting the Outcome
I taught this concept recently during a training session for a group of managers. When I demoed it through a role play with the HR Director, something really clicked for the group. They realized how often situations like this occur - moments of frustration they hadn’t fully understood.
But the real breakthrough came when they realized: you don’t have to take the bait. You can validate the second issue without abandoning the first.
You can say:
“I hear that you’re frustrated by my tone. Let’s finish this conversation about your attendance, and I’d be happy to circle back and talk about communication style after.”
Of course, not everyone feels equally safe naming a dynamic like this, especially when power is uneven or psychological safety is low. A direct report may hesitate to say, “Hey, I think we’re on two tracks here,” even if they sense it. That’s why awareness and intention matter, especially for those with positions of authority. If you missed it, we unpacked this further in Building a Culture of Feedback.
How to Handle Switchtracking
1. Name it.
Just knowing that switchtracking is a thing helps. It gives us language to describe what’s happening in the moment.
Naming switchtracking helps:
Keep the original conversation on track.
Acknowledge the other person’s concern.
Create space for both, but in sequence.
2. Know your triggers.
People usually switchtrack because something gets triggered. Maybe it’s:
Truth triggers - “That’s just not true.”
Relationship triggers - “Who are you to tell me this?”
Identity triggers - “This shakes my sense of self.”
Being aware of what hits your buttons makes it easier to stay grounded. However, it’s important to remember that culture and lived experience shape what hits a nerve. What feels disrespectful or out of bounds can differ across backgrounds and identities.
We’ll go deeper on triggers in an upcoming newsletter :)
3. Signpost.
Try something like this:
“I think we might be on two tracks here. Can we go back to the original question about X?”
“That second point matters too. Can we park it and finish this first piece?”
“I want to make sure we resolve this, and right now we’re mixing two different things.”
Tone matters here. Even a skillful redirect can feel dismissive if it isn’t offered with care. Check in with yourself: Am I trying to stay connected, or trying to win?
TL;DR:
Switchtracking = flipping a feedback conversation to a new topic, sometimes without realizing it.
It feels like emotional whiplash, and it derails progress fast.
Spotting it helps you keep conversations productive and connected.
You don’t have to choose between ignoring someone’s concern or abandoning your own. You can do both - in order, and with intention.
It’s like when I tell my husband I hate picking up his socks from the living room floor every morning, and he says, “Well, I hate that I have to rewash all the glasses you wash because they have fingerprints on them.” Except in this case, I’m right and he’s wrong. In the workplace, however, it’s nuanced, so please call me; I can help.
