When Real Life Walks into Work
My husband expressed to me the other day that it really bothers him that everyone thinks summer ends on Labor Day. Officially summer ends with the autumnal equinox later in September (I Googled it; he’s right). But for me, summer has always ended with back-to-school. And this year, back-to-school looks different: my stepdaughter is heading to college.
To paraphrase a quote from Jay Pritchett of Modern Family:
You fall in love with each version of your child—the baby with the cute little fat folds, the laughing toddler, the curious little kid—but you don’t get a chance to miss any of them because as soon as one stage is gone, the next takes its place. Until they grow up, and then, in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
I’m having a lot of big feelings around her leaving, from excitement to terror, pride, and sadness, and it occurred to me that I’m grieving. Not a death, but a season of life ending.
There’s a name for this: anticipatory grief. Mourning something before it’s gone. And like every other kind of grief, it doesn’t respect the boundary between home and work.
Hospitality Knows This Story Well
Our industry has seen more than its share of tragedy over the past few years. And every time, our incredibly kind community rallies in our own band-of-misfits type of way by showing up with food, resources, and whatever we can cobble together to help. It’s beautiful.
But there’s more to supporting grief in the workplace than a dozen pizzas and a few links to counseling. Leaders need the tools to recognize it, respond to it, and make space for it. Because grief shows up at work whether we’re ready or not.
How Grief Shows Up at Work
Grief isn’t always about death, and it doesn’t always look like tears. It can be:
Anticipatory Grief: bracing for a loss before it happens (layoffs, diagnoses, transitions).
Ambiguous Grief: no clear ending or closure (dementia, addiction, estranged relationships).
Disenfranchised Grief: losses that society doesn’t validate (a pet, a miscarriage, an ex).
Traumatic Grief: sudden, violent, or shocking events that overwhelm the body and brain.
These aren’t just psychological terms. They’re the divorces, miscarriages, evictions, addictions, health conditions, or stubborn but loveable teenagers going off to college moments that walk through your workplace doors every day.
And if leaders don’t understand them or are not prepared to handle them, they risk misinterpreting behavior, like mistaking withdrawal for laziness or overwork for resilience.
What Leaders Can Actually Do
Supporting grief doesn’t mean turning work into group therapy. It’s about creating the kind of culture where people can be human and still belong. Here’s how:
Review your policies
Evaluate your organization’s grief-related benefits. HR directors often call me to ask if they should include the loss of pets in their bereavement policy (yes). And with all the new ways families can be structured, disenfranchised grief shows up in many forms. If it matters to your people, it should matter to you.Equip your managers
Give them language, training, and permission to check in. My friend Marni is a death doula, creating safe spaces to learn and talk about death, dying, and grief. People like her can create workshops for your team or offer services as part of your benefit package.Signal what’s available
Don’t bury your mental health or EAP resources in a handbook. Highlight them. Share links. Orgs like Southern Smoke can help.Normalize candor
Cultures that already embrace openness handle grief better. This doesn’t mean making work a therapy session; it’s making space for real life without shame.Prepare for crisis
This piece was inspired, in part, by what I mentioned earlier: watching tragedy strike and an industry scramble. After the third panicked call asking, “What can I do?” I put together this Standard Operating Procedure. I know it feels grim, but it’s necessary.
Why Leaders Need to Care
Grief doesn’t stay tucked neatly away in someone’s personal life. It sits at the bar with them, it runs their section, and it leads their shift. Left unacknowledged, it drains productivity, morale, and retention.
Research shows grieving employees often operate at a fraction of capacity for weeks or months. Without support, that slow fade lasts longer, showing up as missed deadlines, burnout, or quiet disengagement.
Supporting grief is an act of kindness. It's a culture strategy. It's resilience insurance. And it’s what keeps people connected to your team when life knocks them sideways. Letting people know they can stay human and still belong is a quiet but powerful investment in your team, your values, and your long game.
Grief Needs to Be Witnessed
David Kessler writes, “Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.”
This week our whole blended family will be witnessing each other's grief: dropping my stepdaughter off at college, equal parts pride and heartbreak. I’m grateful for a community that can hold that with me. And I’m sure my daughter will be grateful when her 14 family members take their grief, get out of her hair, and leave her the heck alone.
You too can join the fun and witness our grief in real time on my Instagram.
